my medicine

makes me have very realistic dreams. but they are no less bizarre than usual.

for example.

last night i dreamed (among many things) that my dad, mom, and I had died and were living together in heaven. but when we peeled back the floor of heaven - a white and sticky square, but not so adhered that a slight tug couldn't remove it - we could see and communicate with people on earth. we visited with my sister a lot. then we discovered that we could let people into heaven, or go back down onto earth. in the end, we had to close up the portal to heaven, because it was causing too many problems.

there was also a water slide competition, but that came later.

they started this new system

where all the students schedule their classes themselves. you still see your advisor, he/she still... advises you, but then they give you a PIN number and you register for the classes yourself. ie, pick the time slot yourself. which! therefore! is how i managed to get a schedule with classes starting after 10:30 every day, except wednesday which starts at 8:30, but that is chem recitation and i only go if i need help on something. because there is no attendance. in other words, yay. !.

also, why hasn't the humane society called me back.

this weekend

is my one-year anniversary. isn't that weird? i have no sense of time anymore.

and i'm lonely.

my creative class

is still pointless. we had an assignment for erotic poety, but i will decline to share that... for now.



May 24, 2008

"Have you told her what you did with me?"
swung full-force at my face as
"No, I can't, I'm so sorry for everything,"
dug its claws into my skin and burrowed,
seeping into my bloodstream to poison each cell of my body.
An apology? To a girl who helped you cheat on me?
With a terse, "Whatever, don't cheat on your girlfriend in front of her,"
She hopped out of your life, and you out of hers,
leaving me stuck to remember you both.

i wrote this

for my creative writing class, which happens to be the biggest joke of a class in, um, the world. so i don't try very hard. guess what it's about.


At Six They Bring Breakfast

The ceiling is a battleground of electric emotion:
Greedy, encroaching CAPITAL LETTERS invade the territories of timid, fragile pleas for help,
letting no inch over my cot be spared from their conflict of obscenities and misspellings.
A pencil stub, the complacent messenger, sits inquiringly at the head of my mattress
offering his service if I feel a need to likewise join the fray -
leave my never-ending graphite smear on the icy concrete of infinity.
But for this second I am ignoring them all
to continue my staring contest with the security camera above me.
I blink first, but we're both up for another round -
We lay exercising our right to remain silent under a deafening battle overhead.

i have a lot of stuff to think about

and i have been thinking about a lot of stuff but i never reach any conclusions. i always need more info, more time, more evidence, another reason. what is this about? where did this come from?

ignore the ambiguity - this is me thinking through keys.

guess who is in a bad mood.

but does it really matter? we're all so young but feel so old and none of us have learned anything. and maybe we never do. maybe life's lesson is to quit looking and shut up for once.

i do not deal well with not getting my way.

so this weekend

was amazing. the beauty of being together still outweights the pain of being apart.

plus there was this john mayer concert, free 15th row tickets, it's no big deal or anything.

when this job is over

i never want to see soybean meal ever, ever again.

actions speak louder than words but both have kept quiet lately.

i've never been good

at missing people. it's just not something i do that often and when it happens, it isn't for long. there are too many people in too many places for me to get nostalgic so i've gotten used to moving out and moving on. i mean, yes, i find myself wishing i could see someone or wanting to hang out with a certain person, but i rarely have a sense of longing to be in the presence of a specific human being.

which is why i've had so much trouble trying to deal with missing william.

my imagination

is disgustingly overactive. i create entire conflicts based on a single piece of punctuation or likewise minute detail. it is emotionally stressful because then i cannot remember if i'm mad about something that i actually have reason to be upset over or if it is because of an imaginary situation.

also i have been having bizarre yet realistic dreams lately and keep waking up angry, which then affects how i interact with the people i dreamt about. or dreamed about.

i guess what i'm trying to say is maybe these high school girls like you so much because you act like you're still their age.

i had so many doubts

and spent most of my time worrying this past week about my boyfriend and our relationship. i did not inherit a lot of the "worrying gene" from my mother but there is a definite presence somewhere in my brain-sponge. but today we visited indianapolis to pick up my sister and william ate dinner with us and being with him made the worries disappear.

i have had a lot of trust issues my entire life but i am starting to get over them, slowly. mostly the thing i am realizing is that it is based purely on fear. yes there is the fear of not having someone care about you as much as you do them, but there is also the overwhelming fear of looking foolish. if someone you care about hurts you then it makes you feel like an idiot which is generally unliked by people. but i am not going to be scared of that. my goal is to learn to trust, to love with such passionate force that i can remember i exist - i am human and i can feel.

william and i are not a perfect couple but he is definitely what i have needed during these months. there are many incidents which i might not have survived without him. he tends to bring me back to sanity when i start to drift away. if he ever has to leave i will be sad to see him go but i will always feel ecstatic that i managed to have him in my life at all. i do not care if that is a sappy thing to say because it is true. i have a terribly cynical view of love and yet here i am, in it.

these are probably things i should be telling him directly.

turn around,

bright eyes. i have had "total eclipse of the heart" stuck in my head for about a week now. it is bizarre but entertaining i guess, because it is an... interesting. song. it is also about the longest song in existance so it keeps me occupied.

once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart.

actually, it is a trio of songs, consisting of that, "after hours" by the velvet underground, and "the con" by tegan and sara. my mind is focused on those three and it is like a mini playlist in my head.

there's nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

i wonder if i have reached my breaking point yet.

i tend to

forget the things i want to remember and remember the things i want to forget. i have noticed lately that i am not an inherently messy person, that is i am not messy on purpose, but i appear to be untidy because i just forget. i really do mean to dispose of my trash, i look at it and think about throwing it away, and then i forget it exists. i feel a little bad but i am also worried because my memory can only get worse from this point.

i am very emotionally stressed.

i don't think

i can handle myself.

so, as it would happen,

i had a reason to be nervous about my boyfriend's behavior over the summer. i hate that my intuition tends to be right because that makes me always afraid to be intuitive. because it is always an upsetting event.

also, his parents are making him go to IUPUI next year, which stands for Indiana University/Purdue University Indianapolis. it is like a UNO or a UNK. this means that our relationship is going to be like this all the time: always separate except for an occasional weekend. i guess that would give me a lot of time for my trust to grow but i'm not sure it can get bigger if it is not there in the first place.

i could say things about how if it's meant to happen it will or that we can make it work if it means that much to us but right now i am just feeling sad.

as i eat a snack.

i have been stress eating lately and let me tell you it is fantastic. stress eating is my favorite kind of eating because i get to eat my favorite foods all the time but i continue to lose weight. i think this means i like to be stressed and i am not sure whether that is a good thing but it is definitely delicious.

my new job

is nice. it is a nice new job. the people are nice and the work is nice and the pay is nice. i do not get to make myself free frappuccinos but i guess i wasn't really allowed to do that anyway, so not a lot has changed except now i come home smelling like soybean meal instead of stale mocha. this is a change i have learned to accept.

i have noticed lately that i have little to no sense of reality. when i get upset, "in one of my moods", i notice this more. it is as if i am not occupying my entire body; i am just a itsy portion looking out through the cocoon of another person. but lately i have realized that it is more than that. i neither think nor care about the future, consequences, or how my life will be affected which i guess means the same thing as consequences but whatever. i suppose it could be called apathy but that word has such a negative connotation.

it is more like something i am too lazy to remember the word for but which i will call "antipasto" which is the italian word for appetizers and a word that i happen to like very much.

old people,

especially a lot of my professors, seem to think they are entitled to my respect simply because they are old. i know "old" is not a polite way to refer to them but frankly that is what they are. and somehow because they were born twenty-thirty-fourty years before me, they deserve to have me agree with everything they say. or because in those twenty-thirty-fourty years they managed to [audible gasp] become a residential life manager at a college dormitory [a random occupation, i actually really like the res life manager here at shreve hall] i should look up to them, or let them walk through a door before me when i get there first, or not argue with what they have to say.

i am not sure how much sense any of this makes because i went into rant mode.

etc.

i think i am supposed to be excited about summer but really i'm not. summer is going to be more work than college is because i will be working 40-50 hours a week at my dad's biodiesel plant. i will start there on may 5, when my last final is may 3 at 8 a.m. i am less than thrilled.

i could be excited to go back and see my friends but i basically know one person in fort wayne. it is hard to go back because i don't like my new house and i don't like my new town but luckily i will be busy with biodiesel. school isn't even over yet and i can't wait to go back.

but i've made it through worse.

i guess i just realized

that i haven't been without a boyfriend or at least a main love interest in almost 3 years. i am not sure how i feel about that because that is a long time. i mean i do not regret any of those relationships but i also do not want to be dependent on them (the relationships). i do not think it is changing my "core being" more than expected, as in i am not extravagantly changing myself for anyone.

i started thinking about this because it is almost summer. this week is what they call "dead week," and finals are next week. my boyfriend lives in a different city than me; it is about two and a half hours away if you drive slowly like my mom. i do not know how often we will be able to see each other and i am a little wary of his ability to keep his hands to himself when he has imbibed spirits, mostly because he demonstrated that 3 or 4 weeks ago. the last thing i want to do is break up with him but i also would rather not be as serious with him if there is a chance something bad will happen.

i usually am not this open about my feelings and it feels weird.

at 5 a.m. this morning

i woke up because my bed was shaking and i didn't know why. i thought maybe someone had snuck/sneaked into my room and was playing a joke on me, but it really wasn't that funny and also i was the only person in my room, so i ruled out that option. anyway, i guess there was an earthquake or at least what they're referring to as a "tremor." that just reminds me of the movie tremors which makes me laugh.

i guess it was 5.4 magnitude but i'm not sure what that means in relation to other numbers. all i know is my bed was shaking and the news said people in michigan's beds were shaking too. probably most of their belongings shook as well.

but really the only thing i can think about is my 8th grade history class when mr. dan green told us about the new madrid fault line which is overdue for a... a what? a shake? a faulting? but once it does shake/fault/whatever a large portion of the midwest will be destroyed, probably including my bed. i am not really worrying about it.

but i think it's funny to make other people worry about it.

on nice days

outside of the Class of 1950 lecture hall there are always various booths for student organizations, vendors, or religion-pushers. today there was a table with a sign on it that said "fiction for fiction: trade in your religious texts for a good book." i have been eager for a theological discussion recently but i was late for class so i kept walking. even if my religious views turned out to be false i would rather believe in something than nothing. that is what i decided.

i do not get offended easily but sometimes i get a little upset when my atheist, agnostic, generally non-christian friends are hard on christians. sometimes i do not like to associate myself with the label "Christian" because i have many differing opinions than most christians but i guess that is the group i associate with the most. they (my friends) have been known to make fun of people who believe in God or Jesus or What-have-you and tell them they are wrong and try to change their beliefs. that is what upsets me. i have never once told someone his or her religious beliefs are wrong nor have i attempted to force my own beliefs onto them. i try to accept any religious views, well, except for Satanists because frankly i am scared of them. i have a lot of respect for anyone who can choose a belief and be passionate about it regardless of whether it is the same as mine.

this is why i went back to my room, got my bible -which, ironically, i stole from a church - and whopped "fiction for fiction" man on his bald, sweaty head. piss off, fat man.

just kidding. jus keedink.

recently.

i have seldom known i am stressed because of my emotions. i have been stressed but i only know it because i stop sleeping and start losing weight. but lately i have felt the anxiety in the middle of my chest, a little black hole of worry.

the last month was possibly the most dramatic of my life. i don't know how i decided who to tell about it but i think it had something to do with who would look at me differently and who would keep on keepin' on, as they say on the streets, or at least they did a couple decades ago.

blog.

i had to keep a blog for english class which i think was a cool, english-y idea.

now i have nothing to do with it except use it which i think i might do.