i had so many doubts

and spent most of my time worrying this past week about my boyfriend and our relationship. i did not inherit a lot of the "worrying gene" from my mother but there is a definite presence somewhere in my brain-sponge. but today we visited indianapolis to pick up my sister and william ate dinner with us and being with him made the worries disappear.

i have had a lot of trust issues my entire life but i am starting to get over them, slowly. mostly the thing i am realizing is that it is based purely on fear. yes there is the fear of not having someone care about you as much as you do them, but there is also the overwhelming fear of looking foolish. if someone you care about hurts you then it makes you feel like an idiot which is generally unliked by people. but i am not going to be scared of that. my goal is to learn to trust, to love with such passionate force that i can remember i exist - i am human and i can feel.

william and i are not a perfect couple but he is definitely what i have needed during these months. there are many incidents which i might not have survived without him. he tends to bring me back to sanity when i start to drift away. if he ever has to leave i will be sad to see him go but i will always feel ecstatic that i managed to have him in my life at all. i do not care if that is a sappy thing to say because it is true. i have a terribly cynical view of love and yet here i am, in it.

these are probably things i should be telling him directly.