when this job is over

i never want to see soybean meal ever, ever again.

actions speak louder than words but both have kept quiet lately.

i've never been good

at missing people. it's just not something i do that often and when it happens, it isn't for long. there are too many people in too many places for me to get nostalgic so i've gotten used to moving out and moving on. i mean, yes, i find myself wishing i could see someone or wanting to hang out with a certain person, but i rarely have a sense of longing to be in the presence of a specific human being.

which is why i've had so much trouble trying to deal with missing william.

my imagination

is disgustingly overactive. i create entire conflicts based on a single piece of punctuation or likewise minute detail. it is emotionally stressful because then i cannot remember if i'm mad about something that i actually have reason to be upset over or if it is because of an imaginary situation.

also i have been having bizarre yet realistic dreams lately and keep waking up angry, which then affects how i interact with the people i dreamt about. or dreamed about.

i guess what i'm trying to say is maybe these high school girls like you so much because you act like you're still their age.

i had so many doubts

and spent most of my time worrying this past week about my boyfriend and our relationship. i did not inherit a lot of the "worrying gene" from my mother but there is a definite presence somewhere in my brain-sponge. but today we visited indianapolis to pick up my sister and william ate dinner with us and being with him made the worries disappear.

i have had a lot of trust issues my entire life but i am starting to get over them, slowly. mostly the thing i am realizing is that it is based purely on fear. yes there is the fear of not having someone care about you as much as you do them, but there is also the overwhelming fear of looking foolish. if someone you care about hurts you then it makes you feel like an idiot which is generally unliked by people. but i am not going to be scared of that. my goal is to learn to trust, to love with such passionate force that i can remember i exist - i am human and i can feel.

william and i are not a perfect couple but he is definitely what i have needed during these months. there are many incidents which i might not have survived without him. he tends to bring me back to sanity when i start to drift away. if he ever has to leave i will be sad to see him go but i will always feel ecstatic that i managed to have him in my life at all. i do not care if that is a sappy thing to say because it is true. i have a terribly cynical view of love and yet here i am, in it.

these are probably things i should be telling him directly.

turn around,

bright eyes. i have had "total eclipse of the heart" stuck in my head for about a week now. it is bizarre but entertaining i guess, because it is an... interesting. song. it is also about the longest song in existance so it keeps me occupied.

once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart.

actually, it is a trio of songs, consisting of that, "after hours" by the velvet underground, and "the con" by tegan and sara. my mind is focused on those three and it is like a mini playlist in my head.

there's nothing i can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

i wonder if i have reached my breaking point yet.

i tend to

forget the things i want to remember and remember the things i want to forget. i have noticed lately that i am not an inherently messy person, that is i am not messy on purpose, but i appear to be untidy because i just forget. i really do mean to dispose of my trash, i look at it and think about throwing it away, and then i forget it exists. i feel a little bad but i am also worried because my memory can only get worse from this point.

i am very emotionally stressed.

i don't think

i can handle myself.