harrumph

i was about to type what happened to day but i can't even type it. because it makes me start thinking and then i starting getting so sad, it was such a sad thing to happen.

i will try to hint at it.

there was a family of little ducks, a mama and 9 or 10 ducklings, and they were crossing the road and OH! i can't. my soul hurts.

i haven't cried yet, but i suppose i will. the loss of any life, no matter how small, is still a loss. i must be a terribly strong person to feel so deeply, yet still relish in my existence.

i am not studying for my finals or working on my final papers because i am sick and i am sad. i am thinking about transferring schools because i don't know if i like purdue, but at the same time, i don't know if i don't like purdue. and i just got into this co-op house, so maybe that will make next year great. but what if it makes next year awful? i guess i am just lonely because all my closest friends here are really flaky people. so it makes me feel like none of them want to see me. i know i deserve to be seen, because i know i am a fun person who can make them smile. but it makes me sad, and when i am sad, then. i am sad.

oh me oh my.

here i am

done feeling sorry for myself and realizing how damn amazing i am. i do not swear on the internet if i can help it but this time it simply cannot be helped.

isn't it interesting how well people can lie. take, for instance, this boy who for over a year lied about his real personality. did he think i would not love this real person? was he so afraid that i wouldn't that he didn't even bother to try?

and so months and months and months passed and he decided he couldn't take it anymore and he had to be himself and so he got away. and here! i am. realizing that the boy i fell in love with does not actually exist. i gave my heart away to an imaginary boy.

now see how foolish he has made me feel.

i am not

the girl who wallows. i do not make it my business to miss people. there are too many people and i love them too deeply to miss them, if that makes sense. but this time it is different. and they keep saying it will take time, but how long, and what if it takes forever.

the french say tu me manques. in idiomatic english, it means "i miss you," but translates literally to mean, "you are missing from me." i like this better.

i squished you in between my cells and our molecules collided and now, you are missing from me.

i need help.

how long does it take

for someone to realize how important you are to them?

wakka wakka

my two favorite teachers are very small women.

antonia is small and british and wears boots with leggings. she stops us mid-sentence to correct our latin pronunciation even though it isn't a spoken language so really, it doesn't matter. she says things like "bloke" and "strawberry jam pot," but her teeth are in pretty good shape. i think she would marry Vergil if she could.

susan is small and american and wears the same pants every time we meet. when she reads aloud from stories that have obscenities she flows over them like the "motherfuck" in italics is just another "and" or "the." sometimes she takes off her glasses and it makes her look lost, and maybe she is lost, because she can't see who we are.

if i had bad eyes, i would take my glasses off a lot, i think. if only to escape.

i like these two women, these small and explosive women, because that is what i am on the inside. i was born to be tiny yet energized and to run around yelling and kissing everyone.

but instead i'm just big and implosive.

the difference

between your heart and mine is you would sacrifice everything, and i already have.

here is something i am going to say that i don't say to many people but i think the internet is the best place to share secrets. i have social anxiety disorder. i am taking medication for it. it is helping. a lot. i am happier than i have been in a long time, which makes me happy. some people do not agree with psychiatric medications (notably tom cruise, but the list contains several more sane individuals) and sometimes i used to feel that way but now that i have experienced the difference, i have changed my mind. my mom thinks that if i pray more then i won't need medicine, or something like that, but i have tried a lot of praying in the past and maybe the medicine is the answer to that. maybe the answers don't always come in the way we expect them to, and maybe that makes God smile a little bit.

and maybe that should make me smile a little bit.