so, as it would happen,

i had a reason to be nervous about my boyfriend's behavior over the summer. i hate that my intuition tends to be right because that makes me always afraid to be intuitive. because it is always an upsetting event.

also, his parents are making him go to IUPUI next year, which stands for Indiana University/Purdue University Indianapolis. it is like a UNO or a UNK. this means that our relationship is going to be like this all the time: always separate except for an occasional weekend. i guess that would give me a lot of time for my trust to grow but i'm not sure it can get bigger if it is not there in the first place.

i could say things about how if it's meant to happen it will or that we can make it work if it means that much to us but right now i am just feeling sad.

as i eat a snack.

i have been stress eating lately and let me tell you it is fantastic. stress eating is my favorite kind of eating because i get to eat my favorite foods all the time but i continue to lose weight. i think this means i like to be stressed and i am not sure whether that is a good thing but it is definitely delicious.

my new job

is nice. it is a nice new job. the people are nice and the work is nice and the pay is nice. i do not get to make myself free frappuccinos but i guess i wasn't really allowed to do that anyway, so not a lot has changed except now i come home smelling like soybean meal instead of stale mocha. this is a change i have learned to accept.

i have noticed lately that i have little to no sense of reality. when i get upset, "in one of my moods", i notice this more. it is as if i am not occupying my entire body; i am just a itsy portion looking out through the cocoon of another person. but lately i have realized that it is more than that. i neither think nor care about the future, consequences, or how my life will be affected which i guess means the same thing as consequences but whatever. i suppose it could be called apathy but that word has such a negative connotation.

it is more like something i am too lazy to remember the word for but which i will call "antipasto" which is the italian word for appetizers and a word that i happen to like very much.