old people,

especially a lot of my professors, seem to think they are entitled to my respect simply because they are old. i know "old" is not a polite way to refer to them but frankly that is what they are. and somehow because they were born twenty-thirty-fourty years before me, they deserve to have me agree with everything they say. or because in those twenty-thirty-fourty years they managed to [audible gasp] become a residential life manager at a college dormitory [a random occupation, i actually really like the res life manager here at shreve hall] i should look up to them, or let them walk through a door before me when i get there first, or not argue with what they have to say.

i am not sure how much sense any of this makes because i went into rant mode.

etc.

i think i am supposed to be excited about summer but really i'm not. summer is going to be more work than college is because i will be working 40-50 hours a week at my dad's biodiesel plant. i will start there on may 5, when my last final is may 3 at 8 a.m. i am less than thrilled.

i could be excited to go back and see my friends but i basically know one person in fort wayne. it is hard to go back because i don't like my new house and i don't like my new town but luckily i will be busy with biodiesel. school isn't even over yet and i can't wait to go back.

but i've made it through worse.

i guess i just realized

that i haven't been without a boyfriend or at least a main love interest in almost 3 years. i am not sure how i feel about that because that is a long time. i mean i do not regret any of those relationships but i also do not want to be dependent on them (the relationships). i do not think it is changing my "core being" more than expected, as in i am not extravagantly changing myself for anyone.

i started thinking about this because it is almost summer. this week is what they call "dead week," and finals are next week. my boyfriend lives in a different city than me; it is about two and a half hours away if you drive slowly like my mom. i do not know how often we will be able to see each other and i am a little wary of his ability to keep his hands to himself when he has imbibed spirits, mostly because he demonstrated that 3 or 4 weeks ago. the last thing i want to do is break up with him but i also would rather not be as serious with him if there is a chance something bad will happen.

i usually am not this open about my feelings and it feels weird.

at 5 a.m. this morning

i woke up because my bed was shaking and i didn't know why. i thought maybe someone had snuck/sneaked into my room and was playing a joke on me, but it really wasn't that funny and also i was the only person in my room, so i ruled out that option. anyway, i guess there was an earthquake or at least what they're referring to as a "tremor." that just reminds me of the movie tremors which makes me laugh.

i guess it was 5.4 magnitude but i'm not sure what that means in relation to other numbers. all i know is my bed was shaking and the news said people in michigan's beds were shaking too. probably most of their belongings shook as well.

but really the only thing i can think about is my 8th grade history class when mr. dan green told us about the new madrid fault line which is overdue for a... a what? a shake? a faulting? but once it does shake/fault/whatever a large portion of the midwest will be destroyed, probably including my bed. i am not really worrying about it.

but i think it's funny to make other people worry about it.

on nice days

outside of the Class of 1950 lecture hall there are always various booths for student organizations, vendors, or religion-pushers. today there was a table with a sign on it that said "fiction for fiction: trade in your religious texts for a good book." i have been eager for a theological discussion recently but i was late for class so i kept walking. even if my religious views turned out to be false i would rather believe in something than nothing. that is what i decided.

i do not get offended easily but sometimes i get a little upset when my atheist, agnostic, generally non-christian friends are hard on christians. sometimes i do not like to associate myself with the label "Christian" because i have many differing opinions than most christians but i guess that is the group i associate with the most. they (my friends) have been known to make fun of people who believe in God or Jesus or What-have-you and tell them they are wrong and try to change their beliefs. that is what upsets me. i have never once told someone his or her religious beliefs are wrong nor have i attempted to force my own beliefs onto them. i try to accept any religious views, well, except for Satanists because frankly i am scared of them. i have a lot of respect for anyone who can choose a belief and be passionate about it regardless of whether it is the same as mine.

this is why i went back to my room, got my bible -which, ironically, i stole from a church - and whopped "fiction for fiction" man on his bald, sweaty head. piss off, fat man.

just kidding. jus keedink.

recently.

i have seldom known i am stressed because of my emotions. i have been stressed but i only know it because i stop sleeping and start losing weight. but lately i have felt the anxiety in the middle of my chest, a little black hole of worry.

the last month was possibly the most dramatic of my life. i don't know how i decided who to tell about it but i think it had something to do with who would look at me differently and who would keep on keepin' on, as they say on the streets, or at least they did a couple decades ago.

blog.

i had to keep a blog for english class which i think was a cool, english-y idea.

now i have nothing to do with it except use it which i think i might do.