wakka wakka

my two favorite teachers are very small women.

antonia is small and british and wears boots with leggings. she stops us mid-sentence to correct our latin pronunciation even though it isn't a spoken language so really, it doesn't matter. she says things like "bloke" and "strawberry jam pot," but her teeth are in pretty good shape. i think she would marry Vergil if she could.

susan is small and american and wears the same pants every time we meet. when she reads aloud from stories that have obscenities she flows over them like the "motherfuck" in italics is just another "and" or "the." sometimes she takes off her glasses and it makes her look lost, and maybe she is lost, because she can't see who we are.

if i had bad eyes, i would take my glasses off a lot, i think. if only to escape.

i like these two women, these small and explosive women, because that is what i am on the inside. i was born to be tiny yet energized and to run around yelling and kissing everyone.

but instead i'm just big and implosive.

the difference

between your heart and mine is you would sacrifice everything, and i already have.

here is something i am going to say that i don't say to many people but i think the internet is the best place to share secrets. i have social anxiety disorder. i am taking medication for it. it is helping. a lot. i am happier than i have been in a long time, which makes me happy. some people do not agree with psychiatric medications (notably tom cruise, but the list contains several more sane individuals) and sometimes i used to feel that way but now that i have experienced the difference, i have changed my mind. my mom thinks that if i pray more then i won't need medicine, or something like that, but i have tried a lot of praying in the past and maybe the medicine is the answer to that. maybe the answers don't always come in the way we expect them to, and maybe that makes God smile a little bit.

and maybe that should make me smile a little bit.