okay well if you have been following my life lately

you know that i live in a house know with 28 other girls. it is called a cooperative house because we cooperate with each other, theoretically. we cook our own meals and do chores 3x a week. it is pretty fun and also a God-send for me, because i probably would have tried very hard to die if my college experience was continuing on the same course it had been.

anyway since it is a house filled with 29 girls there are some problems. for the most part people get along with each other because we are sane, but there are some people who are not on the same sanity level. the problem with this is these particular girls hold the highest offices in our house. so, while they could previously be ignored, their antics are now front stage.

LOOK I AM NOT FIVE YEARS OLD OKAY? I DID NOT JOIN THIS HOUSE CAUSE I WANTED PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.

ahem.

but okay here is where my idea comes in. right now i am pledge mom, which means i will be educating all the little nuggets that come to live with us next year. but after that... i kind of want to run for house president. actually, i really want to run for house president. i may not have the same kind of experience as some of the other girls, but i think i am more... emotionally qualified. and when i think of who might run otherwise, well. i know for sure one of the crazies is running, and there HAS to be another option. I WILL NOT LIVE IN A HOUSE OF WHICH SHE IS IN CHARGE.

i had to rearrange that whole sentence to not end in a preposition.

but i really don't know who else would run against her. give me a second while i run through the people in the house again... i'm not coming up with anything.

i just don't want this house to fall apart next year.

harrumph

i was about to type what happened to day but i can't even type it. because it makes me start thinking and then i starting getting so sad, it was such a sad thing to happen.

i will try to hint at it.

there was a family of little ducks, a mama and 9 or 10 ducklings, and they were crossing the road and OH! i can't. my soul hurts.

i haven't cried yet, but i suppose i will. the loss of any life, no matter how small, is still a loss. i must be a terribly strong person to feel so deeply, yet still relish in my existence.

i am not studying for my finals or working on my final papers because i am sick and i am sad. i am thinking about transferring schools because i don't know if i like purdue, but at the same time, i don't know if i don't like purdue. and i just got into this co-op house, so maybe that will make next year great. but what if it makes next year awful? i guess i am just lonely because all my closest friends here are really flaky people. so it makes me feel like none of them want to see me. i know i deserve to be seen, because i know i am a fun person who can make them smile. but it makes me sad, and when i am sad, then. i am sad.

oh me oh my.

here i am

done feeling sorry for myself and realizing how damn amazing i am. i do not swear on the internet if i can help it but this time it simply cannot be helped.

isn't it interesting how well people can lie. take, for instance, this boy who for over a year lied about his real personality. did he think i would not love this real person? was he so afraid that i wouldn't that he didn't even bother to try?

and so months and months and months passed and he decided he couldn't take it anymore and he had to be himself and so he got away. and here! i am. realizing that the boy i fell in love with does not actually exist. i gave my heart away to an imaginary boy.

now see how foolish he has made me feel.

i am not

the girl who wallows. i do not make it my business to miss people. there are too many people and i love them too deeply to miss them, if that makes sense. but this time it is different. and they keep saying it will take time, but how long, and what if it takes forever.

the french say tu me manques. in idiomatic english, it means "i miss you," but translates literally to mean, "you are missing from me." i like this better.

i squished you in between my cells and our molecules collided and now, you are missing from me.

i need help.